all right everyone sit down, shut up and listen closely because I’m about to tell y’all the tale of Ms. Mormino.
Seventh grade is a time most people don’t look back on fondly. I know I sure don’t—I tend to regard that era as nothing more than an unpleasant, acne-filled haze of fall out boy and poor attempts at pseudo-zooey deschanel fashions. But enough about me. Let’s talk about my math teacher.
Ms. Isom. Poor old Ms. Isom. Well in her 60’s, always plagued with some illness or injury, she was hardly ever even at school. Since many of her absences were the result of short-notice incidents—“falling down the stairs” was popularly cited— it wasn’t all that uncommon to not have a substitute on hand. Being a smartass honors class, we’d gotten away with several successful evasions of administration, walking cavalierly into class to pass the next 48 minutes doing just about nothing. Hell, for good measure, we’d sometimes even toss in a friendly “hey, Ms. Isom!” if any administrators were anywhere within earshot. So incredibly anti-establishment, you could basically call it another Project Mayhem, except instead of Brad Pitt and Ed Norton concocting homemade bombs, it was a bunch of tweenyboppers with iPhone 3’s and Justin Bieber 2009 haircuts.
We got pretty accustomed to our own little self-governing system that rolled around every second period, so we naturally weren’t exactly thrilled when administration caught on to our little Anarchy Act and strictly enforced the presence of a substitute every day.
Most of our subs weren’t terrible—most were friendly, gave us participation grades, and didn’t object to the independent attitude of our class (which, mind you, only had about ten students in it)
That is, until Ms. Mormino came along.
Four feet, ten inches of raw, undiluted evil, Ms. Mormino walked into class with a scowl on her face and a chip on her shoulder. When the girl behind me sneezed, Ms. Mormino’s immediate response was “NO INAPPROPRIATE NOISES!”
Although we all suppressed our laughter, we all knew from that moment on that, try as she might with her despotism and her draconian anti-sneeze policy, Ms. Mormino didn’t stand a chance.
The arguable beginning of the end for Ms. Mormino’s all-too-brief reign of terror was the moment I asked for a calculator; mine was broken. Mormino asserted that I could only borrow a calculator if I loaned her something of mine; at that moment, the girl next to me chimed in, saying she, too, needed a calculator. “I have a folder I can give you,” I offered. “I have a highlighter,” added the other girl.
At that moment, a puberty-creaking voice from the back of the room piped up.
We all know certain people have certain gifts. Michelangelo saw angels in every block of marble and devoted his life to setting them free; Einstein had a mind which saw the potential of the entire universe; F. Scott Fitzgerald wove intricate tales of decadence and depravity. Max, however, had a different kind of gift: he could make anything—anything at all—into a “that’s what she said” joke. More on that later, though.
Max pried off a Nike sneaker and held it proudly in the air, like a coveted trophy.
"I have a shoe."
Tottering in one-shoe-one-sock, Max dumped the sneaker on Ms. Mormino’s desk, retrieved a calculator, then tottered back to his own desk, a sort of smirk playing on his face. And, as to be expected—the rest of us quickly followed suit.
A small pile of shoes on her desk, Ms. Mormino grit her teeth and glared at us as we all sat back down, quietly victorious, a calculator in each of our hands. It wasn’t long, however, until we all began to silently plot our next act of minor mayhem.
"Can I go to the bathroom?" asked Tyler, who, despite being in seventh grade, was approaching his sixteenth birthday. In a combination of verism and admiration of Tyler’s devil-may-care boldness, we unequivocally accepted him as our leader. For reasons unknown, Ms. Mormino denied his request. Tyler, much like his Fight Club namesake, heeded no rules but his own and left anyway—Ms. Mormino, furious, locked the door behind him and smugly insisted that "administration will take care of him."
Tyler, however, was not one to be caught, and stayed close by, appearing in the window of the door whenever Ms. Mormino wasn’t looking. Waving, smiling, laughing, making faces and obscene gestures, Tyler had us all in stitches, but cleverly avoided Ms. Mormino’s sight—when she asked us what was so funny, we all refused to give Tyler away.
A girl asked to go to the bathroom, stating she “really really really” needed to go. Ms. Mormino, again, denied her request. Ms. Mormino, however, seemed to be uninformed about the side door—leading right outside, always locked from the outside but always open from the inside.
"Well, I’ll go myself," the girl responded, and took off, hurdling three desks and darting out the door. Right behind her, two other students took off, pursuing freedom. The door slammed behind all three students, and they were gone.
Six of us were left. Among us, importantly, was Chris.
Chris was thirteen, but looked half his age; scrawny, wiry, he probably measured in at about four-foot-three, but no taller. “Late Bloomer” are words that come to mind.
Despite his diminutive size, Chris possessed the gall of someone like Tyler.
"I have to use the bathroom," said Chris, standing.
”Do you think I’m going to allow you to go to the bathroom?” snapped Ms. Mormino.
”It’s an emergency!” Chris pleaded.
"Sit down," Ms. Mormino growled.
Meanwhile, the entire class borders on hysteria. We have tears in our eyes, almost suffocating from choking back laughter.
"It’s an emergency," repeated Chris, but it sounded more like a warning.
Silence. Silence, Silence and more silence, until we all began to notice a dark stain on Chris’s khakis. The stain grew. And grew. And grew.
Fists at his sides, stoicism in his face, and a cold, proud, triumphant glint in his eye, Chris locked eye contact with Ms. Mormino.
And pissed right in his pants.
The entire class erupted into a laugh only comparable to the detonation of a bomb.
We laughed so hard for the next five, ten, fifteen minutes straight that Ms. Mormino gave up. Surrendering, putting her head on her desk, she waited until the hysteria finally subsided.
Finally looking up, defeated, pathetic, Ms. Mormino glared at us all and wailed:
”This is too much, this is too hard, too hard, Jesus Christ, this is too much for me!”
A lone voice sounded from the back of the room. Guess whose it was.
"That’s what she said."
Ms. Mormino officially retired from teaching that afternoon.
FUCKING READ IT IT’S WORTH IT
I FUCKING BEG ALL OF YOU TO READ THIS
WRITE A BOOK
im a bad person who thinks bad thoughts like ‘ew what is that girl wearing’ and then remember that im supposed to be positive about all things and then think ‘no she can wear what she wants, fuck what other people say damn girl u look fabulous’ and im just a teeny bit hypocritical tbh
I was always taught by my mother, That the first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think. What you think next defines who you are.
For more posts like this, follow the Ultrafacts Blog!
The whole compiled list of useful links. More is to come! Follow today!
lovelycharts.com – create flowcharts, network diagrams, sitemaps, etc.
e.ggtimer.com – a simple online timer for your daily needs.
coralcdn.org – if a site is down due to heavy traffic, try accessing it through coral CDN.
random.org – pick random numbers, flip coins, and more.
google.com/webfonts – a good collection of open source fonts.
homestyler.com – design from scratch or re-model your home in 3d.
join.me – share you screen with anyone over the web.
wetransfer.com – for sharing really big files online.
hundredzeros.com – the site lets you download free Kindle books.
polishmywriting.com – check your writing for spelling or grammatical errors.
marker.to – easily highlight the important parts of a web page for sharing.
whichdateworks.com – planning an event? find a date that works for all.
everytimezone.com – a less confusing view of the world time zones.
gtmetrix.com – the perfect tool for measuring your site performance online.
noteflight.com – print music sheets, write your own music online (review).
imo.im – chat with your buddies on Skype, Facebook, Google Talk, etc. from one place.
translate.google.com – translate web pages, PDFs and Office documents.
kleki.com – create paintings and sketches with a wide variety of brushes.
similarsites.com – discover new sites that are similar to what you like already.
wordle.net – quick summarize long pieces of text with tag clouds.
bubbl.us – create mind-maps, brainstorm ideas in the browser.
kuler.adobe.com – get color ideas, also extract colors from photographs.
ge.tt – qiuckly send a file to someone, they can even preview it before downloading.
tinychat.com – setup a private chat room in micro-seconds.
privnote.com – create text notes that will self-destruct after being read.
draw.io – create diagrams and flowcharts in the browser, export your drawings to Google Drive and Dropbox.
downforeveryoneorjustme.com – find if your favorite website is offline or not?
urbandictionary.com – find definitions of slangs and informal words.
scribblemaps.com – create custom Google Maps easily.
formspring.me – you can ask or answer personal questions here.
sumopaint.com – an excellent layer-based online image editor.
snopes.com – find if that email offer you received is real or just another scam.
typingweb.com – master touch-typing with these practice sessions.
mailvu.com – send video emails to anyone using your web cam.
timerime.com – create timelines with audio, video and images.
stupeflix.com – make a movie out of your images, audio and video clips.safeweb.norton.com – check the trust level of any website.
For more posts like this, follow the Ultrafacts Blog!
I just came.
hi so i’ve been compiling resources since high school and i kinda wanted to share them if that’s cool ??? i think it’s cool alright so i went through said resources and picked out the really important ones and the ones i found to be the most helpful
this is directed towards college students like me aw but i mean if you’re younger or maybe if you aren’t even going to school but you feel like it’s helpful then by all means let me help you let’s be friends
- don’t have microsoft word? this is like a knockoff but it works gr8
- diy planner
- diy embroidered notebooks
- diy notebooks and pencil case
- diy washi tape pencils
- diy felt book covers
- super cute diy alternative to a pencil case
- another super cute diy pencil case
- diy laptop stand!
- !!! free online graphing and scientific calculator !!!
- 150 organization projects using things you can find at the dollar store
- flat world knowledge
- gatech math textbooks
- library pirate
- open culture
- project gutenberg
- 100 legal websites to download books for leisure reading
- help reading difficult material
- reading skills
- active reading strategies
- benefits of reading something you enjoy everyday
- cheap, used books with free shipping
- even more cheap books with free shipping
- download free kindle books
- download free audio books
- !!! what is that word you are thinking of !!!
- how to write an essay by wittacism (it’s funny but also v helpful)
- top 10 mistakes students make in an essay
- avoid the word ‘very’, avoid the word ‘said’ and avoid the word ‘looks’
- describe food, someone’s facial expression, a voice, and a scent
- tips for proofreading
- use google scholar to generate a citation
- use google scholar if you need a “scholarly source” for an essay
- prezi powerpoints always come out really cool
- another cool website like prezi
- animated video presentations
- effectively presenting in class
- creating an effective powerpoint
- wikihow class presentation help
- v helpful dos and donts of presenting a powerpoint
- 12 common presentation mistakes
miscellaneous subject help
- !!! crash course in dozens of subjects with john and hank green !!!
- super helpful language learning website/app
- wolfram if you’re struggling with literally any math problem
- balace chemical equations
- minute physics
- art history
- public speaking
- psychology (lectures from a professor at yale)
- music theory
- microecon and macroecon
- block distracting websites but still use the rest of the internet
- finals survival guide by bootify
- listen to a coffee shop/campfire/waves/etc & you can even layer them!
- tons of studying playlists
- music box versions of tons of songs (useful if lyrics distract you)
- keep your energy up without caffeine
- learning and studying techniques
- lots of test prep resources
- make virtual flashcards and save the forests
- multiple choice test strategies
- what do you need to get on the final to get a certain grade?
- the collegiate vegan
- literally thousands of recipes by other students
- even more thousands of recipes made for students
- 200 healthy dorm recipes by undressedskeleton
- over 100 breakfast recipes (pls don’t skip breakfast it’s v important)
- 17 inexpensive, super easy, and on-the-go snacks
- 20 of the most essential recipes that you really should learn to cook
- lots of homemade hummus recipes
- "microwave in a mug" recipes
- coffee recipes
- hot chocolate recipes
- broke college kid recipes masterpost
if you ever feel stressed
- calming music
- cute videos
- the quiet place
- for when you have no one to talk to (also my askbox is always open)
- masterpost of things to make you feel better
- alternatives to self harm (useful for just blowing off steam too)
- very cute and relaxing games with soft/pleasant background music
- relaxing bath recipes
- yoga for stress
it’s okay to take a break every once in a while
- workout videos masterpost
- disney and pixar movies
- foreign films
- if you’ve never seen ahs, i highly recommend it
- one of the best movie masterposts
- even crazier movie masterpost
- make super rad symmetrical designs
- play with sand
- an interactive scale model of the galaxy
- how to moonwalk
- make a fake tweet
- blanket fort!
- super mario!
look cute in class and make boys cry (ft. pretty good deals bc we’re poor)
- (homemade) (face) (masks) (and) (scrubs)
- super quick hairstyles and lots of really great hair tutorials
- giant compilation of eyeliner pictorials and reference pictures
- inexpensive drugstore product recommendations
- !!! cheap band/tv show/logo merch !!!
- cute and inexpensive jewelry/clothes/school supplies/etc
because college is expensive
- k so i downloaded this app called featurepoints a couple weeks ago and i’ve already made a little over $50 from it. basically the app will tell you to download other apps and you’ll have to generally keep them open for about a minute. once you do, you’ll earn points that can be redeemed for free apps, giftcards to places like amazon or starbucks, or money put into your paypal account! i swear it’s not a scam. it’s honestly such an awesome way to kill time and you actually get money out of it. if ya wanna just try it, download it and enter the referral code KCHF98 and you can start off with 50 points! it’s radical, i promise
- sign up for preview free movies! i don’t know what areas they do them in but they happen all the time in southern california. what you get is invitations to see movies before they’re in theaters or sometimes even before they’re announced! if you rsvp and get in to the screening, you get to see the movie for free and all you have to do is a sort of review when it’s over. they ask what your favorite and least favorite part was and such. sometimes, if you’re lucky, there will be rewards for going like free tickets, and anywhere between $10 and $25 cash. i’ve actually made a lot of money through it!
- shopkick is also a really cool app i use that gives you giftcards for visiting certain stores and sometimes scanning certain products with your phone’s camera!
- get amazon prime free for six months with a college email
- !!! financial aid deadlines !!!
- get the most out of college financial aid
- discounts with a student id
- try and get the lowest prices at target
- free pad/tampon samples and coupons from kotex
- learn how to coupon
important regardless of school
- contraceptives masterpost
- helping someone who feels suicidal
- giant list of hotlines and crisis center phone numbers
- what to do if you think you may have been drugged
- how to avoid a hangover
- self defense with a key
- how to answer the top 35 job interview questions
- managing anxiety
- how to do your own taxes
- 10 steps to a better resume
- keep your laptop in a+ condition
- clean your carpet stains
final tips from me because we’re all friends here
- !!! do not pay for your textbooks if you don’t have to !!! even if you aren’t down with illegally downloading your books, you can waste hundreds of dollars on textbooks you will never open. wait until your professor says that you’ll need it or if material from the book will be on an exam just wait it’s what harry styles would do probably
- everyone says this but /please/ do extra credit if you can! it could mean the difference between a b+ and an a and that hurts more than the 1542th time you hear someone singing “let it go” in public
- if you’re like me and you find it completely impossible to make friends in college, at least try and have one homie in each class so if you miss a class, you have someone to tell you what you missed and let you copy notes. having this homie is also beneficial for group work bc homies help homies always (important life lessons from adventure time)
- if you’re in a productive mood, take advantage of it. i was feeling v scholarly one day and ended up finishing all my assignments until the end of the quarter almost a month early beyonce would be proud
- seriously just use google scholar instead of google if you’re doing something for a grade don’t be that loser who gets a bad grade over your sources
- keep a journal it is v helpful bc even if you don’t write, you can fill it with art stuff and just kind of let your feelings out and be creative about it /or/ if you don’t feel artistic, you can write! whether it’s creative writing or just talking about your day, it’s gr8
- if there is anything that you know will always improve your mood or make you feel better, take advantage of it. for me, this stand up is called weirdo and it’s by one of my favorite people in the world and almost three years after the release and dozens of viewings later, i still think it’s the funniest thing i have ever seen
- you are more important than anything in the world pls don’t ever put yourself in a bad situation for any reason ever, even if that means taking a day off for yourself
- if there is anyone in your life who doesn’t think of you as highly as kayne thinks of himself then that person doesn’t deserve to be in your life you don’t need them
Today’s the day. The day you help save the internet from being ruined.
(Long story short: The FCC is about to make a critical decision as to whether or not internet service providers have to treat all traffic equally. If they choose wrong, then the internet where anyone can start a website for any reason at all, the internet that’s been so momentous, funny, weird, and surprising—that internet could cease to exist. Here’s your chance to preserve a beautiful thing.)
hey warning that if you fill out that net neutrality form that tumblr compels you to fill out that shit will call your phone and connect you to something which you are expected to speak to, pretty much without any warning at all
which i know will not fly with some people at all so yeah
If you woke up tomorrow, and your internet looked like this, what would you do?
Imagine all your favorite websites taking forever to load, while you get annoying notifications from your ISP suggesting you switch to one of their approved “Fast Lane” sites.
Think about what we would lose: all the weird, alternative, interesting, and enlightening stuff that makes the Internet so much cooler than mainstream Cable TV. What if the only news sites you could reliably connect to were the ones that had deals with companies like Comcast and Verizon?
On September 10th, just a few days before the FCC’s comment deadline, public interest organizations are issuing an open, international call for websites and internet users to unite for an “Internet Slowdown” to show the world what the web would be like if Team Cable gets their way and trashes net neutrality. Net neutrality is hard to explain, so our hope is that this action will help SHOW the world what’s really at stake if we lose the open Internet.
If you’ve got a website, blog or tumblr, get the code to join the #InternetSlowdown here: https://battleforthenet.com/sept10th
Everyone else, here’s a quick list of things you can do to help spread the word about the slowdown: http://tumblr.fightforthefuture.org/post/96020972118/be-a-part-of-the-great-internet-slowdown